"Bambi Eats Lead"
Thursday June 1, 2000
Panorama B.C. - Nelson B.C.
4:15 driving time - 240 miles
Well, I was going to tell you about a really nifty feature on my K1200 in today's sidebar, but we received a piece of email from someone whose initials are "Stewart J. Bonn" - you know who you are - suggesting that there's not enough plot and character development in this year's JerkQuest storyline. I'll let Stewart's mail speak for itself....
"Your saga is more like a Miramax 'coming of age' buddy flick where you are getting in touch with your feminine side, distracting us with all this talk of yellow clothes vs leather.
Do you ever get any air on those beasts you straddle? How about some wheelies? Ever punch each other in the face as you ride along? How about terrorizing a cafe full of Canadians? Now get out there and do some senseless violence."
Stewart, if you could only see the terror in the widened eyes of the holiday drivers as Whizmo passes them in his yellow day-glo suit, I think you'd agree that we are, in fact, terrorizing Canadians, one minivanful at a time. And by the way, we are so excited that you are shopping our script with Miramax! If we get the development deal you get a t-shirt, I promise! And one for Lori too!
We had someone comment that our adventure was not "edgy" enough - that we sounded like two new-age sensitive guys out wandering around looking for the best laundry detergent. Ok, I hear you bro, this is going to be a more manly and edgy sort of column.
We started the day doing wheelies, stoppies, and burnouts in the parking lot of the hotel. I couldn't do them worth crap, probably because I had too much to drink last night. When we heard someone had called the cops it was time to split. Going down the hill from the hotel, we took the short cut across the golf course and really scared the hell out of some old geezer practicing his putting. Man, golf is lame.
We surely didn't get too drunk last night from the martinis they were serving. When we arrived at dinner we were told that manager was buying drinks for the group. Hot damn - we ordered up a pair of martinis. The photo depicts one of said martinis exactly as it was served to us. Note the highwater mark of the spirits in the glass. It even left the third olive high and dry. If that wasn't enough, it was warm! By the way, Gizmo orders his martinis like James Bond, even specifying the exact number of olives to include. We were so mad, we got out our pistols and shot up the place a bit. Mike, our tour host, didn't care for this so we winged him. I don't think we are going to have to take any more crap from him.
a shot of Greg, with a couple along for the tour, Travis and Leslie. You
met Travis yesterday. Travis works at Triumph; Leslie works at Sears Point
Raceway. (This is before we got out the guns.)
Today was an interesting day from the standpoint of signage. First, there was this number telling us that we were riding in Canal Flats, headwaters of the Columbia River Basin. (This picture was taken before we shot it up.) There was also a huge poster on a ferry a couple days ago showing all the issues with respect to salmon migrations. You just got to hand it to these fish, they will go to quite great lengths to reproduce. (Of course, it takes two studs like us to understand these matters.)
Next along the road was Chief Stookumchuck. I don't know why they decided to put Charlie Stookum's given name at the end of his surname, but there you go. Seriously, it was a handsome statue and quite colorful, but I would have preferred some information about what this person did in his life. The statue just sits out in front of an old barn with a gas station next door.
Now we could have walked over to the adjacent gas station and immediately had at least 12 way-too-lonely, been-out-in-the-woods-alone-for-too-many-days Canadians wanting to give us their life story but we didn't have a couple of hours to kill, so we moved on without getting the full story. By the way, I talked Gizmo out of pulling the statue down with the Millennium Falcon's winch. Have some respect man!
Next, we pulled into Cranbrook to gas up. Thank the lord, it was self-service so we could get out of there within an hour or two. We first learned that they do "Laser Car Washes". I hope that they don't make you stay in the car! (Or at least give you the proper eye protection.) In addition, this service station specializes in "Homemade Burgers" with a minimum 25-liter gas purchase. Gizmo walked inside to inspect said burgers and they were stacked up ready for the microwave. I guess they were pre-made in someone's home. Very lame. We were pretty ticked off by this obvious false advertising so we stole a couple six packs of beer for drinking on the road. It is great fun to throw the empties at the cars we pass.
You just wouldn't believe the stuff you can get at gas stations up here. I wanted to stop for a little borscht and carrot cake, but this station was in the middle of nowhere, meaning there was at least a four-hour talking ante before we could possibly leave here. So we passed.
problem with motorcycle riding in British Columbia is all the pesky
wildlife. So far we've seen two bear, an elk, several coyotes, and
countless deer. The deer have got to be such a problem that we usually
fire off a round every mile or so as a warning. If they are still there
when we motor past, then we shoot to kill. Since we're usually always the
lead riders in the tour group, we feel like we're doing the entire group a
are running a little low of cash, so we decided to hold up a pedestrian in the
town of Creston. I had my pistol under the hat so as to not draw too much
attention to the crime. Note that woman in the background oblivious to
what is going on. We're trained professionals, you know. The guy
went ahead and put his hands behind his back, even though I only told him to
give us his cash. Sheesh.
is an interesting sign. Apparently in Erickson, they are quite proud of
the fact that their water is undrinkable. Not that this would bother
either Gizmo or I as we don't drink anything but whiskey or beer. Unboiled.
We had another ferry today. Just like in Washington, motorcycles go to the head of the line to get on the ferry. Gizmo has taken to making obscene gestures and screaming "Two Wheels Rule" as we pass all the cars and get in the head of the line. Great fun. Man, this guy rocks!
the ferry, we met this cool 12-year-old kid named Vince. He had just spent
his $70 birthday money on blue hairdo. He gave us the name of a great
tattoo parlor in Nelson. Gizmo and I are going to barge our way to the
front of the line at that place as soon as we get to town and wrap up this
we arrived at our hotel in Nelson, the slackards hadn't gotten the plastic room
keys programmed for our group. So I told the clerk to have them all ready
to go in sixty-seconds or I'd drive Fritz into the lobby and do burnouts.
That got him going! Everybody can be made to move with a little
Well, that about wraps up our day. Overall, pretty boring. We'll try and spice things up tomorrow. Drive safe.
Ahem. Gizmo here. No animals or humans were harmed in the making of this column, nor were any laws broken. Honest.
Actual log count: 324. Closest guess: Steve Wadsworth, with 338
We do have some serious news for you, the results of the log-counting contest! We received 25 entries, a new record for a Virtual Vacation contest. Mark insisted that we show the results in a fashion that could be analyzed statistically, so here's the visual representation of the guesses. The actual count was 324; the closest guess was from Steve Wadsworth, who guessed 338 logs. Good guess Steve! Pretty cool how the graphics look a little bit like logs, eh? Steve, the shirt will be in the mail (sometime).
We'll announce our final contest tomorrow.