Day Thirteen


"Hey Folks, We ARE For Sale!"

September 17, 2002

Pagosa Springs, CO -
Santa Fe, NM

160 miles

2:46 riding time

1 Pass Today
40 Passes To Date

Wow, what a day!   We're whipped.  One-hundred-sixty-miles (!!!) of the gnarliest asphalt you can imagine (with only about a third of it four-lane) and almost three hours in the saddle.  A real hum-dinger.  Man, we're getting way too old to put up with this abuse.

Seriously folks, there IS an excuse for today's measly mileage.  While Gizmo slaved over yesterday's report, I went out and inspected my rear tire.  Not good.  Cords starting to play peek-a-boo along the center of the tire.  Drat.  I hate replacing tires on tour.  Trying to avoid this, I had started with brand new issues of Dunlop's newest and finest D220 sport-touring rubber, hoping they'd go the 6,200-mile Great Divide Tour distance.  Fat chance.  With 3,200 miles, the rear tire was shagged.  So last night, I clicked on over to BMW's excellent web site, used their dealer locater, and out popped Santa Fe BMW, three hours down the road.  This morning, we high-tailed it for their maintenance barn.  In addition to my tire needs, Gizmo wanted to heap some TLC on his mount as well, scheduling an oil change and asking their crack mechanics to have a look at his squeaky rear brake.

Santa Fe BMW is both a BMW car and motorcycle dealer, so we got to drool over BMW cars while the service guys did their thing.  I think it took longer to enter us into the service department's Byzantine computer system than to perform the actual maintenance (I've had longer job interviews), but the bikes were only in the shop for a couple of hours while we headed to the hotel for an early check-in.  As bike maintenance on The Road goes, this was painless.  Thanks to Ron and Ed at Santa Fe BMW!  Great service.

Ok, so that's the long story (that you didn't want to hear) for why today's a low-mileage, slow news day.  But I guess it's my turn to file one of these reports, so I've got to fill this space up.  Therefore, I'd like to talk about something that is really, REALLY important, so listen up.

One thing that has surprised both Gizmo and me is that the proverbial phone (or in our case, email client) hasn't been ringing off the wall with great deals for us to pitch motorcycle and motorcycle-travel-related products to you, our faithful readers.  Everybody, including Stewart Alsop, seems to be quite happy that we have no great money-making business deal going with this Whizmo & Gizmo thing—EXCEPT US, DAMMIT.  Heck, we haven't had so much as a free can of Lemon Pledge offered to us for all this frigging work.

So today we thought we'd prime the pump, so to speak, by doing unsolicited pitches for some of our favorite products and services gratis, for this one time onlyAnd since we know ad agencies are expensive, we've even written snappy ad copy and catchy slogans for these products.  Just add some chintzy graphics and maybe some lame theme music, and we're ready to hawk stuff big time.

Now, and this is important, to get the full effect of these, you need to say them out loud, adapting your best impression of a deep baritone voice—think William Holden or maybe Gene Hackman.  Ok, you ready?:

Microsoft Windows W&G Edition

When you're online motorcycle touring you need the operating system that works the way you work - MS Windows W&G Edition.  Used exclusively by Whizmo and Gizmo, MS Windows W&G Edition is the only upgradeable, modular, object-oriented, backwards-compatible, forward-compatible, platform-dependent, partially open-source, partially closed-source, robust, and scalable operating system designed specifically for the online motorcycle tourist.  A special feature of MS Windows W&G Edition is Intelli-Boot™, the self-correcting reboot system that slowly but surely corrects whatever ails your system each and every time you reboot!  After sixty or seventy cycles, virtually everything you want to work, will work.  And bundled with Microsoft Windows W&G Edition are a wide variety of gizmos you didn't even know you needed, too many to list here.
MS Windows W&G EditionWhere do you want your motorcycle to go today?

Hampton Inns

When W&G finish a hard day's ride, what do you think they look for in a hotel room?  Well, a clean bed and tidy room is important, but for them, connectivity is king.  And that's why most Hampton Inn rooms have two phone lines, so you can edit web pages and order pizza at the same time. 
Hampton Inns
Where discerning well-connected online motorcyclist tourists hang out!

The Weather Channel

When W&G check in after a hard day's ride, the first thing they check out is The Weather Channel.  Why travel blissfully unaware of future weather patterns when you can watch the Weather Channel and worry all night about upcoming storms?  W&G never miss a segment, including the all-important Tropics Report, Skiing Outlook, and Atmospheres.  The weather chicks aren't bad looking either.  The Weather Channel:  Weather, whether you need it or not.

Compaq Computers

When W&G's computers don't work, they don't work.  That's why open-road battle-tested Compaq Computers ride on the pillions of W&G's bikes.  Ten minutes after checking in, they're booted and  Boutrous'd, ready for a hard evening's work. 
Compaq Computers
When Compaq rides, W&G write!


Rain is a fact of life, but a damp crotch doesn't need to be.  W&G rely on Aerostich Roadcrafter riding suits to ward off the elements, keeping them warm, dry, and cozy, mile after wet mile.  Available in a veritable rainbow of designer colors, Roadcrafter suits are baggy to begin with, all the better to hide those chicken-fried-steak-pounds that accumulate over the miles. 
Don't ride with any ol' stiches - ride with Aerostich

Garmin GPSs

When W&G tour, a Garmin GPS is along for the ride.  Providing precision guidance in an imprecise world, a Garmin GPS is just the ticket for helping Gizmo find remote passes and getting to the hotel room (almost) every night. 
Garmin and Gizmo - a team working together to get W&G within a block or two of a hotel, each and every night!


AAA Maps

Without cushy sponsor deals, W&G have to watch their pennies to be able to afford expensive contest prizes.  So instead of spending $5 for a gas-station map, Whizmo relies on AAA Maps, free with paid membership.  Guaranteed to last the better part of a day before falling apart, a AAA Map is all Whizmo needs to get them where they're going when they want to go. 
AAA Maps:
  You get what you pay for!


Frito-Lay Bean Dip

When W&G need nourishment after a long day's ride, they look no further than chips and Frito-Lay Bean Dip.  Not exactly health food, but not total junk food either, Frito-Lay Bean Dip is just the right thing at the right time to help them write their columns, yet still leave room for dinner.  And if they don't eat a whole can in a sitting,  no problem, it comes in a handy resealable tin that fits perfectly in any rider's tank bag.  Refrigeration is recommended after opening, but heck, no one's died yet. 
Make Frito-Lay Bean Dip your after-ride snack food!



When W&G have eaten too much Frito-Lay Bean Dip, they know which way to turn:  away from each other and to Beano.  Available in concentrated liquid form, just put a few drops in your drink and friends can remain friends. 
Use it or lose it!

Red Bull Energy Drink

It's late in the day and they're two hundred miles from their hotel.  Filing deadlines looms so no time to stop for a latte.  What do W&G use to keep going?  No worries, those open-road boys turn to the drink designed to carry them those last miles:  Red Bull Energy Drink.  Easily recognized in the snazzy silver and blue cans, nothing provides the same hit of sugar and caffeine in such a concentrated way, important when you don't want to stop to pee down the home stretch. 
Red Bull Energy Drink:  the preferred drink of Valentino Rossi, Max Biaggi, and Whizmo and Gizmo!


Lemon Pledge

When W&G pack for a tour, every cubic inch counts.  So they look for versatility in their utility sprays and with Lemon Pledge, versatility is the name of the game.   Faceshield cleaner, bike wax, chain lube, bear repellent, cologne, stuffy hotel room air freshener .... it doesn't matter what the need, Lemon Pledge does it all.  Available in virtually any retail outlet at reasonable prices,
Lemon Pledge is the utility spray that does the job, whatever it is!


We did actually ride today so to make sure people don't think we're just making this stuff up from home, here are some images as proof we actually did travel between Pagosa Springs Colorado and Santa Fe New Mexico.  Although not a long ride, it was very pleasant.

Morning sunrise in Pagosa Springs,
 as we make the turnoff to Chama New Mexico
Strange jet contrail - it turned from pure white to jet black mid-sky and vanished over the horizon. 
We're not too far from Roswell!
Gizmo bends into a corner near the Ghost Ranch, with the San Juan Mountains in distance
Spectacular vistas on Highway 84 north of Santa Fe A great morning for riding Another shot near Ghost Ranch

Oh, we did do one "pass" today - really just a high spot in the road, but it was nicely marked as a Great Divide crossing.  Since it was unnamed, Gizmo agonized mightily over whether to deface the monument with his fine piece of engraved 'Gizmo Pass' brass.  But any place that was visible was TOO visible, so he passed on yet another unnamed pass.  You should witness his indecision - you would think he was contemplating whether to join the Moonies or something.

Potential Gizmo Pass that Gizmo passed on.  Potential sponsors, please note our Prize-Is-Right-Girl-Pointing Style.  We think it shows how much we can enhance and beautify any product or service.

Tomorrow we get back on track with a trip from Santa Fe to Gallup, via Los Alamos.  In fact, I better close now so we can go out and get our radiation badges.  As Red Green says, "Keep your stick on the ice; we're rootin' for ya."

Well, Contest #8 - Caption the Contraption really got the creative juices flowing with our readership.  Unfortunately, some of the juices were flowing in all the wrong places, so some of the funniest entries we can't show you.  But the words Bob Dole, Monica Lewinsky, and Bill Clinton should be plenty for you to work with.  All-in-all, we've never had a better laugh on tour.  Thanks to everyone who entered - they were all great.

But some were equally greater than others and we had to pick a winner.  Congratulations to Scott Ferguson for submitting the winning entry!

Halfway to the competition, a freon leak in Gunther's custom refrigeration vehicle
ruined his hopes for first prize in the World's Largest Boomerang Ice Sculpture Contest.

In the opinion of the judges, five other entries were too good to go unnoticed and unread:

J. Ozinski Oh, reeely Mrs. Phluteschmaaker?  Zat one also?  You know, zumtimes a long cylindrical object vith a curious kink ees just a long cylindrical object vith a serious, oops, curious kink.  You haf been on he road how long now?  Oh, I see.  Now, how about zis next picture.....Hmmmmmm?
Bob Schloss Paul Bunyan's kitchen sink pipe and trap
Stephen Parris A very rare sight is the infamous chocolate milk transport.  The angle in the the tank is actually a division point between two tanks holding the chocolate and the milk.  When dispensed at the bottling location, it distributes the proper amount from each container from nozzles in the middle section.  Why not just transport the chocolate milk already mixed?  This method lessens the amount of chocolate sediment at the bottom of the bottle, as it is not transported in a pre-mixed state.
Stephen Marra Round and Hollow, the famous Sylindrical twins, who were conjoined at the heads since birth, pose for this rare photo near their home in Breckinridge, Colorado. Hollow, the chubbiest of the two, sports a bit of a spare tire, while Round shows off his cryptic tattoo.

Thanks to everyone else who entered Contest 8, including Tom Boyle, Mike Koss, Lloyd Gardner, John Helms, David Baughman, Steve Ellis, Bing Gordon, Derek Downs, Marty Levin, Rob Shurtleff, Mike Leskin, Glenda Revelle, Matthew Sutton, Peter Wylie, Phil Boyle, Peter Ellis, and Toby Myers.   Your efforts were appreciated.  And Viagra would have appreciated the plugs.

!!! New Contest -  Contest #9 - Motorcycle Trivia !!!!

We thought it time to give some of you motorcycle experts a chance to distinguish yourselves.  So answer the following questions correctly and fame and fortune could be yours.  Click here to submit an entry.  As Jack Webb would say, just the facts, ma'am, although seriously amusing anecdotes are always welcome.  One entry per contestant please, no revisions.

1.  What brand of motorcycle did Bronson ride in the hit, and in our opinion underappreciated TV show "Then Came Bronson"?

2.  What slogan catapulted Honda to the top of the motorcycle sales chart in the 60's?

3.  What was the nickname of Suzuki's first water-cooled motorcycle?  (We're looking for the American nickname, not the British.)

4.  What brand of motorcycle did Fonzie ride in the hit TV show "Happy Days"?

5.  As taught by the MSF, what does 'SIPDE' stand for?

6.  In terms of US circulation, what is currently the most popular motorcycle magazine?

7.  What was the name of the first Honda motorcycle with a V4 engine?

8.  What recreational equipment manufacturer once owned Harley Davidson?

9.  Who invented the first gasoline-powered motorcycle?

10.  What TV celebrity owns a gas-turbine-powered motorcycle?

11.  What movie star did his own motorcycle stunts in the movie "The Great Escape"?

12.  Who won the 2002 500cc World MotoGP Championship?

13.  What was the actual engine displacement of Honda's CB350 produced from the late-60's until the mid-70's?

14.  What two Japanese motorcycle manufacturers recently announced a major alliance to share products?

Ok, rev up those search engines and show us your stuff.